My husband and My God

Every woman has a part of her that will never be filled until we marry, and marry well. I never realized that when I was single, part of my dedication to worship came from an emptiness. After I met Jared, so much of me was filled, especially in those first few months. I had never truly been in love before and I would have rather stayed up late talking and being held in his arms than pondering scriptures. I had never felt that deepness of love on a physical plane before.

Bit and bit, ever so slowly and most unconsciously and unintentionally I started unplugging from God because I was so fulfilled with Jared. The problem with this is obvious. Trusting in the arm of flesh, even your husband, does not bring celestial peace.

A crisis usually brings about great change. Crises happen because the way we've been living isn't working anymore. We have to open our hearts, ask hard questions, be brutally honest (which is painful), and pray. I've been in crisis lately and this is what I've learned. I've been following all the commandments, been active in the church, attended the temple, done my callings, served and served and yet it all means nothing because I unplugged my heart from the love of God.

I had this vision of my spirit being miles away from my body. She was lost, lonely, afraid. And dying. I found her on the verge of giving up completely and held her and rushed her to the spiritual "ER" where she could be plugged into eternal love, peace, and hope. It felt like a scene from the movies where no on knew if she was going to make it and a rush of people were pumping her with life and there was nothing I could do to help. I started crying because I've caused her so much pain over something so silly. And I wanted her to live. I wanted her to find her power again, like when we were missionaries and walked with God. I became filled with Godly sorrow and kept resisting the urge to blame it on someone else. I did not want to be responsible for the death of my spirit.

She started healing and I started feeling more connected with her, like we were becoming one again. The room was filled with so much love and peace. Then I thought about my kids and my life. So much instant anguish. I did not have the strength or desire to return to my daily life. I just wanted to be in that place with spiritual iv's filling me with happiness and life. There has been so much stress, pressure, emptiness, and anger in my life for so long. Now I know the real reason. It's not because we don't have enough money, or because we live in Utah, or because I'm a mom, or because Jared didn't clean the bathrooms. It's because I unplugged myself from the Spirit and started worshiping the false Gods of this world. I'm so ashamed. And deep inside I knew what was going on, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to feel the pain associated with repentance. But the only way is through. I held her hand and started whispering, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." But true repentance always brings peace and hope and for some reason is never as painful as hiding your sin. I honestly felt forgiveness and promise. Such light beautiful feelings.

My journey isn't over. I'm realizing that I'm on spiritual life support. But I know I will heal. I've decided to take time every day to just sit by my spirit's side and feel the love of God heal her. No other agenda. And when she's filled and I'm ready to submit my body to her, I will have the power to be the wife and mother I know I'm supposed to.