I'm merging this blog with A Journey to Balance. You can read why when you get there.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
My husband and My God
Every woman has a part of her that will never be filled until we marry, and marry well. I never realized that when I was single, part of my dedication to worship came from an emptiness. After I met Jared, so much of me was filled, especially in those first few months. I had never truly been in love before and I would have rather stayed up late talking and being held in his arms than pondering scriptures. I had never felt that deepness of love on a physical plane before.
Bit and bit, ever so slowly and most unconsciously and unintentionally I started unplugging from God because I was so fulfilled with Jared. The problem with this is obvious. Trusting in the arm of flesh, even your husband, does not bring celestial peace.
A crisis usually brings about great change. Crises happen because the way we've been living isn't working anymore. We have to open our hearts, ask hard questions, be brutally honest (which is painful), and pray. I've been in crisis lately and this is what I've learned. I've been following all the commandments, been active in the church, attended the temple, done my callings, served and served and yet it all means nothing because I unplugged my heart from the love of God.
I had this vision of my spirit being miles away from my body. She was lost, lonely, afraid. And dying. I found her on the verge of giving up completely and held her and rushed her to the spiritual "ER" where she could be plugged into eternal love, peace, and hope. It felt like a scene from the movies where no on knew if she was going to make it and a rush of people were pumping her with life and there was nothing I could do to help. I started crying because I've caused her so much pain over something so silly. And I wanted her to live. I wanted her to find her power again, like when we were missionaries and walked with God. I became filled with Godly sorrow and kept resisting the urge to blame it on someone else. I did not want to be responsible for the death of my spirit.
She started healing and I started feeling more connected with her, like we were becoming one again. The room was filled with so much love and peace. Then I thought about my kids and my life. So much instant anguish. I did not have the strength or desire to return to my daily life. I just wanted to be in that place with spiritual iv's filling me with happiness and life. There has been so much stress, pressure, emptiness, and anger in my life for so long. Now I know the real reason. It's not because we don't have enough money, or because we live in Utah, or because I'm a mom, or because Jared didn't clean the bathrooms. It's because I unplugged myself from the Spirit and started worshiping the false Gods of this world. I'm so ashamed. And deep inside I knew what was going on, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to feel the pain associated with repentance. But the only way is through. I held her hand and started whispering, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." But true repentance always brings peace and hope and for some reason is never as painful as hiding your sin. I honestly felt forgiveness and promise. Such light beautiful feelings.
My journey isn't over. I'm realizing that I'm on spiritual life support. But I know I will heal. I've decided to take time every day to just sit by my spirit's side and feel the love of God heal her. No other agenda. And when she's filled and I'm ready to submit my body to her, I will have the power to be the wife and mother I know I'm supposed to.
Bit and bit, ever so slowly and most unconsciously and unintentionally I started unplugging from God because I was so fulfilled with Jared. The problem with this is obvious. Trusting in the arm of flesh, even your husband, does not bring celestial peace.
A crisis usually brings about great change. Crises happen because the way we've been living isn't working anymore. We have to open our hearts, ask hard questions, be brutally honest (which is painful), and pray. I've been in crisis lately and this is what I've learned. I've been following all the commandments, been active in the church, attended the temple, done my callings, served and served and yet it all means nothing because I unplugged my heart from the love of God.
I had this vision of my spirit being miles away from my body. She was lost, lonely, afraid. And dying. I found her on the verge of giving up completely and held her and rushed her to the spiritual "ER" where she could be plugged into eternal love, peace, and hope. It felt like a scene from the movies where no on knew if she was going to make it and a rush of people were pumping her with life and there was nothing I could do to help. I started crying because I've caused her so much pain over something so silly. And I wanted her to live. I wanted her to find her power again, like when we were missionaries and walked with God. I became filled with Godly sorrow and kept resisting the urge to blame it on someone else. I did not want to be responsible for the death of my spirit.
She started healing and I started feeling more connected with her, like we were becoming one again. The room was filled with so much love and peace. Then I thought about my kids and my life. So much instant anguish. I did not have the strength or desire to return to my daily life. I just wanted to be in that place with spiritual iv's filling me with happiness and life. There has been so much stress, pressure, emptiness, and anger in my life for so long. Now I know the real reason. It's not because we don't have enough money, or because we live in Utah, or because I'm a mom, or because Jared didn't clean the bathrooms. It's because I unplugged myself from the Spirit and started worshiping the false Gods of this world. I'm so ashamed. And deep inside I knew what was going on, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to feel the pain associated with repentance. But the only way is through. I held her hand and started whispering, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." But true repentance always brings peace and hope and for some reason is never as painful as hiding your sin. I honestly felt forgiveness and promise. Such light beautiful feelings.
My journey isn't over. I'm realizing that I'm on spiritual life support. But I know I will heal. I've decided to take time every day to just sit by my spirit's side and feel the love of God heal her. No other agenda. And when she's filled and I'm ready to submit my body to her, I will have the power to be the wife and mother I know I'm supposed to.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Gratitude
I've been thinking about gratitude a lot lately. I'm not a very happy person when I don't feel good. I've had this lip sore for two weeks and it just makes me crabby. Pregnancy doesn't make me feel good so I'm a beast when I'm with child pretty much the whole time. I'm irritable and short and nothing is good enough. Since Elsie came, I've been trying to change my mental state. Instead of finding everything wrong with my life (my husband works too much, everything is too expensive, the kids are driving me crazy, I hate finding something to make for dinner), I've been trying to start at ground zero. I've been thinking about all the people in the world who wake up in a war zone, who watch their children starve to death, who struggle with a terminal illness, who can't have children. When you start with nothing, it's so easy to see how blessed you are.
Our prayers have been simple these past few months. Thank you for sending Daddy safely home from work. Thank you for our beds and clothes and food. Thank you for our friends and family, that we have so many loved one with whom we can share our lives. It's helped. I'm not perfect at it, but I feel more "in tune." I feel more sanctified and less guilt when I pray and think about spiritual things. I knew that gratitude was a good way to bring the Spirit into your heart, but I didn't know that it qualifies us for blessings. I feel like I can ask for things because I'll be grateful for them and I really need them and not because my natural man feels like I'm entitled to it.
So try gratitude. It opens the doors to communicating with God.
Our prayers have been simple these past few months. Thank you for sending Daddy safely home from work. Thank you for our beds and clothes and food. Thank you for our friends and family, that we have so many loved one with whom we can share our lives. It's helped. I'm not perfect at it, but I feel more "in tune." I feel more sanctified and less guilt when I pray and think about spiritual things. I knew that gratitude was a good way to bring the Spirit into your heart, but I didn't know that it qualifies us for blessings. I feel like I can ask for things because I'll be grateful for them and I really need them and not because my natural man feels like I'm entitled to it.
So try gratitude. It opens the doors to communicating with God.
Monday, August 20, 2007
That's, uh, not mine.
I'm starting this blog as a forum for LDS women (or men, or children) who need a place to philosophize online. Not rant and rave, but a place to ponder the meaning of it all. A place where we can get together and discuss not only doctrine of the LDS Church, but HOW TO APPLY that doctrine in our super busy and over programmed lives as mothers, siblings, wives, neighbors, friends, employees, or just people. So if you like to think and get new perspectives on life, this is the place for you!
I'm stealing the name from a funny UVSC 24-hour film festival short, entitled, obviously, "Philantra," meaning a philosophy mantra. I decided that so much of my life was doing doing doing that my personal and family goals became ridiculously elementary, such as pray for more than 20 seconds, actually open scriptures and read more than three words. I'd lost that precious meditation time I so valued when I was single. And I don't think I'm alone. I think there are lots of us who need the checks and balances of trusting friendships to constantly realign where our lives are and who we want to be. We need listening and understanding hearts to try to explain the complicated and varying emotions we experience, especially because the simple act of putting emotions into words makes them more manageable.
Here you are safe. Here we can talk about anything, especially anythings that have to do with balancing our lives to truly become perfect. Perfect in the sense of the original meaning, which is whole. We can't do that alone. We all know we need the Savior and His atonement, but do we really live that way? Do we really exercise daily faith in that? I don't, but I want to. So that's why I'm here. I want some help in learning how to do that.
I'm stealing the name from a funny UVSC 24-hour film festival short, entitled, obviously, "Philantra," meaning a philosophy mantra. I decided that so much of my life was doing doing doing that my personal and family goals became ridiculously elementary, such as pray for more than 20 seconds, actually open scriptures and read more than three words. I'd lost that precious meditation time I so valued when I was single. And I don't think I'm alone. I think there are lots of us who need the checks and balances of trusting friendships to constantly realign where our lives are and who we want to be. We need listening and understanding hearts to try to explain the complicated and varying emotions we experience, especially because the simple act of putting emotions into words makes them more manageable.
Here you are safe. Here we can talk about anything, especially anythings that have to do with balancing our lives to truly become perfect. Perfect in the sense of the original meaning, which is whole. We can't do that alone. We all know we need the Savior and His atonement, but do we really live that way? Do we really exercise daily faith in that? I don't, but I want to. So that's why I'm here. I want some help in learning how to do that.
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